How to be Not Boring. Part 1.

I swear. I like doing it. There's something about saying "fuck all" instead of "nothing" that spices up an utterance. It's the shock value, I think. It adds instant comedy.

But sometimes you can't swear, or you're in Ireland where a chunk of the conversation say "fucking" like other people say "ehm" as they try to work out their next word. No, srsly. LIke "I was down at the fucking, fucking, fucking bank, and who was in the queue only yer man whatsisname. You know, fucking, eh, fucking, you know the fucker, he's on telly, on fucking well Fair City or something." Kinda wipes out the shock value. You try to keep it up by taking swear-words from other English-speaking cultures but soon, the American saying "bloody hell!" the British person saying "feck!" or the Irish person saying "motherfucker!" loses all novelty value.

The trick in these situations is to get creative. Don't say "What the fuck?" Don't say "What the hell/damn/bloody heck?" etc. That's boring. It's been done. You do have options though. You can go for quirkily retro. "What the deuce?" or "What the blazes?" are good for this, especially if you can also pull the sort of facial expression that belongs with a monocle. But there are only so many old-school swear-words and euphemisms you can use before you get to By Seinte Loy territory, and the odds are you'll just confuse the person you're talking to.

So, what can you do? You can use an unexpected swear-word! Instead of "What the fuck?" you say "What the shit?" for example. Or, if you feel like being more dramatic, you can have exciting swear-word combos, where you have SWEAR + -ing + SWEAR. Like "What the cocking hell?" or "What the wanking feck?" Experiment to see what works best for you.

If you get bored, you can bring it to yet another level. SWEAR + -ing + SWEAR + ANIMAL or COMMON HOUSEHOLD OBJECT. "Cocking fuck-weasel!" you yell as you stub your toe. "Arsing wank-toasters!" says the dude who hasn't hit save in a while as his computer crashes. As you can tell from the examples, this works best if the animal or household item word has two syllables and the emphasis is on the first syllable. Again, experiment. Preferably while drunk, it's funnier.

And next time you need to shock people with your swearing, shock them with your dorkishness instead!